And the sooner you stop trying to make it so, the better leader you will be.
As we approach the end of the month and the final post in this series on rapport, I wanted to share a perspective on something I am hearing frequently from senior leaders. Sometimes in coaching sessions. Sometimes in the comments section.
It usually sounds like this:
“I am good with people. I can read the room. I know how to build rapport.”
And then comes the follow-up:
“Do I really have to do this all the time?”
“That is a lot of energy to put into something constantly.”
And yes, they are right. It is a lot of energy. But not because building rapport means performing or shape-shifting endlessly to please everyone. It is energy because real connection, and frankly, sustained connection, is not something you can automate.
It is something you notice, nurture, and adjust for.
Rapport is not just about being friendly, or being liked, or even being impressive in a room. It is about something much more nuanced. It is about your capacity to make other people feel seen, safe, and significant, in the way they need, not the way that is most comfortable or natural for you.
That is where most leaders come unstuck.
The mistake is not knowing how to build rapport, far from it. It is assuming that the way you do rapport works for everyone. That a confident smile, a quick check-in, or a moment of small talk is universally understood as warmth and connection. But people are wired differently. And not everyone interprets the same signals in the same way.
Some people need space. Others need detail. Some need directness. Others need care. Some want you to get to the point. Others need to warm up before they can take in anything strategic.
If you are not paying attention to that, if you insist on building rapport in your own image, you will miss the mark. Over and over again.
And, as I have said before, this is not about being perfect. It is about being aware. And choosing, over and over again, to meet people where they are.
And yes, this is work. It requires effort. It requires presence. And it requires the humility to accept that what works brilliantly for one person may completely alienate another.
That what energises you might drain someone else. That your “connecting” tone might feel like performance. That your precision might read as cold.
And that is why leadership is not for everyone. And why leadership is the work.
This week, as I close out the series, I have been thinking about what it takes to truly customise connection. Not fake it. Not overthink it. But notice it. Adjust for it. Honour it. That requires more than a model. It requires internal permission. Yes, to be authentic and to be us, but also to honour the people we are in connection with and understand what they might need from us.
This kind of leadership does not come from scripts. It comes from sensing. From slowing things down enough to feel what is happening in the room before it turns into a problem. It comes from being curious about what someone else might need, not what you assume is enough. It is about internalising.
I have had leaders in coaching sessions replay a moment from a board meeting or a 1:1 and suddenly realise where they lost someone. Not because they said the wrong thing, but because they said it in a way the other person could not receive.
That is the kind of awareness that changes everything. Once you see it, you cannot unsee it. You start noticing the subtle shifts. You pause before pushing. You check before assuming. And connection becomes something alive, not just another item to tick off on your ‘people and culture’ scorecard.
Rapport is not a one-size-fits-all. It never was. So stop trying to scale it like it is. And find your own. See what works for you and the people you lead. Make it yours.
I hope this series has offered you new ways to think about connection and leadership. The way we build rapport is not static, it is alive, demanding, and deeply human. And if you lean into that truth, it will transform the way you lead.
And as always, if you invest in yourself, the rewards will be unfathomable.
Until next time.
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