Last week, we looked at rapport as a living, breathing part of connection. It is not a one-time event. You do not “build rapport” and walk away with a certificate.
It is something that needs to be noticed, sustained and rebalanced, especially in conversations that matter.
This week, I want to turn our attention to what interrupts rapport.
Not in a dramatic way. Most people do not ruin a conversation by shouting or swearing (although that would do it).
It is often the small things that unravel rapport. Micro-signals. Shifts in tone. A glance away. A pause that is too long or too short. The energy leaves the space and the connection thins.
These disruptions often happen unintentionally. And that is the point: rapport is fragile. It does not just depend on what you say, but how the other person experiences it.
Here are a few pointers to potential rapport disruptions to pay attention to. They are not rules, but common patterns observed in real-life conversations.
Micro-moments where rapport tends to slip
A pause that doesn’t get met
Someone shares something vulnerable. There is a beat. They look at you. You say nothing, or worse, you pivot to the next topic.
For some, this can feel like a door closing. The emotional ‘offer’ was not picked up, and the moment leaves a cold edge.
Even if your intent was to give space or be respectful, silence without presence can feel like withdrawal.
Getting out of sync: pace, tone, or energy
Rapport often rides on subtle matching: speaking rhythm, energy levels, tone of voice. When we suddenly speed up, drop into clipped sentences, or shift into ‘task mode’, others might feel left behind or even jarred.
It can feel like trying to dance with someone who suddenly changes the song. You were tracking each other and now you are not.
This is especially noticeable in meetings when the vibe shifts from relating to deciding, with no transition.
Glancing away at the wrong moment
Eye contact is not everything, but timing is. Looking away just as someone shares something difficult or uncertain can feel like disinterest, even if you were simply checking a note or glancing out the window.
It is not about where your eyes go (some cultures do not encourage direct eye contact). It is s about whether your attention stays. Many people can feel the second you mentally exit a conversation.
Over-validating or over-cheering
Sometimes rapport breaks when we overdo it. Either piling on praise or reassurance too quickly. “That is amazing!” “You have got this!” “You will be fine!”
For someone sitting in doubt or reflection, this can feel like being skipped over. The sense is: you need me to be okay before I actually am.
Reassurance is not always rapport. Sometimes, it is actually a subtle pressure, a way of hurrying the conversation along or smoothing over someone else’s discomfort too quickly. And I get it as not all of us feel at ease when emotions show up. That is completely human.
What would happen thought if instead of rushing to fix or reassure, we simply acknowledge it? Let the person know you are here, even if you are not sure what to say.
Agenda-pushing
This one is subtle. You have a goal for the conversation (as many leaders do). But if the other person senses you are steering everything in that direction, they will start to shut down.
I knew a leader once who, no matter the conversation, always had their top three things to land in every meeting. Every. Single. Time. Eventually, people started tuning them out. That is NOT what we are going for here.
Rapport falters when people stop feeling heard, and worse, when they feel like they are being “handled”.
There is nothing wrong with having a clear direction. But connection has to come first.
And if you really do need to land your top three and move on, just be upfront about it. Indicating works in meetings the same way it works when you are driving. It gives people a chance to prepare, adjust, and stay with you.
Why this matters
When rapport breaks, people don not always say something. They might nod. Even smile politely. Stay in the meeting. But inside, they have stepped back.
That is the real risk. Not a visible rupture, but an invisible withdrawal. And over time, that invisible withdrawal reduces our effectiveness as leaders.
You do not need to get it perfect. And you do not need to be in rapport 100% all the time. But noticing the moments when rapport softens, falters, or vanishes that is a powerful skill. Because if you can catch it, you can often repair it.
More on that next week.
For this week, I invite you to try this:
Notice the moments when something shifts in a conversation. A glance away. A missed pause. A subtle feeling that you or someone else has stepped back, even just a little.
You do not need to fix it, just notice.
And as always, if you invest in yourself, the rewards will be unfathomable.
Until next time.
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