There is a moment every leader hits, often early in their tenure, when they realise something is off.
A conversation they have been avoiding.
An elephant they keep politely walking around.
A tension that is NOT going anywhere on its own.
They might tell themselves it is not the right time.
That people are busy.
That things might “settle down” soon.
But while they are buying time, trust is quietly leaking away.
The hesitation trap
Take a CEO I worked with recently. Let’s call her Mandy to respect her identity.
Mandy had a strong start in her new role. She is well-regarded, focused, values-driven. But she was putting off a conversation with a senior leader who was subtly undermining her. Nothing dramatic, just comments here and there, private disagreements becoming public jabs, a constant low hum of resistance.
“I don’t want to come in too heavy,” she said.
“I’m trying to build relationships first.”
“I don’t want to rock the boat.”
Totally understandable. And completely human.
But the result? Her team was starting to question who was in charge. They could feel the wobble.
And Mandy, despite her best intentions, was slowly losing ground, not because she wasn’t capable, but because she wasn’t being clear.
Clarity is respect
There is a persistent myth that honesty in leadership has to be sharp, awkward, or emotionally charged. That if you are direct, you will be seen as confrontational.
That silence is the kinder route.
But I can tell you, silence often is NOT kind.
Clear, thoughtful honesty is one of the most respectful things you can offer someone, especially in a leadership role.
Because when you avoid the truth to protect someone’s feelings, what you are often really protecting is your own discomfort. Your own fear.
The longer you hold back, the heavier the energy becomes. The team feels it. So does the other person.
And now, instead of solving one issue, you have two: the original concern, and the growing loss of trust.
Time to ditch a few leadership myths
Here are three common traps I see new (and not-so-new) leaders fall into:
Myth 1: “If I am honest, I will hurt them.”
If you are reactive or careless, yes, harm can happen. But calm, considered honesty? That is not harm. That is guidance. That is respect.
Myth 2: “They should already know.”
They might. But leadership is not about vague hints (passive-aggressive managers beware!), It is about clarity. Say it plainly. You are not being patronising, you are actually being professional.
Myth 3: “It’s not urgent.”
What you avoid now becomes urgent later. Always. Address it while it is still manageable.
Now, all this might not be easy and it might require some time aside, a new skill or even a mindset shift, but in the medium to long term, it will pay off. We all have examples of when a tough conversation was not had and the repercussions that followed. Postponing the conversation only kicks the can down the line. It does not solve the issue.
The energy behind honesty matters
We know from our own experiences that people do not just remember what was said; they remember how it felt. And while we have no control over others’ feelings, we have control over our intention.
Tone, timing, and presence do half the work. And when your presence says, “I am here to connect, not control,” people notice.
This is especially true in leadership transitions. When you are new, the team is watching more than they are listening.
They are reading your cues.
They are asking: Is this someone I can trust?
And clarity is one of the fastest ways to answer that.
So, how do you lead with honest clarity?
Here are a few practices I suggest to leaders navigating tough conversations (pick what resonates, disregard everything else):
1. Prepare. Not to be perfect, but to be calm.
Write down what you need to say. Get clear on the why behind it.
What is the impact of this issue?
What is at stake if it continues? For the PERSON. Not for you. Not for the company. For them.
Then practice saying it out loud. Do NOT aim to memorise it, just feel the words in your mouth.
It will help your nervous system stay regulated when the real moment comes.
2. Open with intent, not accusation.
You are not here to win. You are here to realign. This is really, really important. If it is about you, the conversation will go off track pretty quickly. The language matters and the words matter.
Try phrases like:
- “I wanted to share something I have been noticing and I would like to get your perspective. Do you have the head space?”
- “I value our working relationship, so I want to be upfront with you if you are open to it.”
- “There is something I have been sitting with, and I think it is time to bring it forward. Is this the right time for you?
This opens the door without putting them on the defensive.
3. Focus on behaviour and impact, not character.
Keep it factual, observable, and connected to outcomes.
Instead of “You have been really difficult in meetings,”
try “In the last few team meetings, I noticed a pattern of pushback that seemed to land awkwardly with others. I am curious how you saw it.”
This approach names the issue but invites dialogue.
4. Slow down. Let the silence breathe.
One of the most powerful things you can bring to a hard conversation is a sense of space.
You do not need to rush, fill every silence, or over-explain.
Say what you need to say. Ask the question.
Pause.
Let it land.
Sometimes the insight shows up in the pause, not the speech.
5. Stay anchored. Do not chase reassurance.
You do not need them to agree in the moment. You are not pitching; you are leading.
If they push back, stay grounded. You are not here to convince (see “not out to win” above). You are here to connect honestly.
Sometimes, what is said now ripens later.
And I get that time is money for many individuals and organisations. We want to close off loose ends and move on. Totally understand that. Resist. Resist rushing the marination process especially if this is the first conversation. First honest conversation. Give people the space.
Revisiting Mandy
After sitting with it, Mandy had the conversation with her senior leader.
She followed a version of the steps above.
She did NOT storm in. She did NOT over-script.
She simply named the pattern, shared its impact, and invited reflection.
Was it perfect? Probably not (I wasn’t in the room, but the debriefing showed a lot of strong learnings).
Was it progress? Absolutely. For both Mandy and her colleague.
And most importantly, she felt more aligned, with herself and her role.
That is the thing about truth: when it is offered with care, it clears the air. It restores flow. For everyone.
Even if it is uncomfortable, it brings everyone back into relationship.
Honesty is not about having the right words. It is about having the right energy.
If you are coming from a place of control, your words will land like criticism.
But if you come from a place of grounded clarity, no drama, no agenda, your honesty feels like a gift. Ok, maybe not for everyone and for every situation, but practice makes perfect. Remembering that we as leaders are also human and need to practice being in alignment with ourself.
Leadership is not about avoiding friction. It is about knowing when to gently name it, so the whole system can move forward.
You do not need to charge in. You just need to be steady. Thoughtful. Clear.
And trust will follow.
And as always, if you invest in yourself, the rewards will be unfathomable.
Until next time.
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