Have you ever noticed how often women are told to “be more confident”? It’s a well-intentioned phrase – I am pretty sure I might have said that myself at one time or another. But it can carry some underlying assumptions about women’s abilities and self-esteem. The notion that confidence holds women back oversimplifies the complex challenges in various aspects of our lives. While confidence does play a role, I don’t think it is the root cause and focusing too much on it disregards the broader context of gender disparities, societal biases, and systemic barriers that contribute to women’s experiences.
And by all means, if one’s confidence is not where it needs to be, there is room to boost our confidence, learn new strategies, and work with a coach or a mentor. I would consider myself a confident woman. I have worked with, know and have known plenty of confident women. Yet, at times, many of us have struggled in our careers to ask for what we wanted and deserved: a good outcome, recognition or equal pay for our work. So why is that?
Here are some underlying reasons why I think confidence is not the core issue preventing women from asking for what they want and what is, in my opinion, the broader issue. For leaders wanting to be allies and advocates, some issues must be addressed before we ask women “to be more confident”.
The reasons are based on my experience and the experience of the woman I have worked with and coached. Not a scientific study by any means and not the definitive list. I share my take here in good faith. So let’s dive into it.
Psychological safety
Much has been written on this topic, and I have seen it play out. When psychological safety is absent in the workplace, whether, in the private or public sector, it creates a significant barrier when asking for what we want. In environments where we fear judgment, backlash, or reprisals, we may hesitate to voice our needs, opinions, or ambitions. The fear of being dismissed, ridiculed, or facing negative consequences stifles our confidence and hinders our ability to advocate for ourselves. When workplaces and social settings lack psychological safety, women are less likely to speak up, perpetuating unequal opportunities and hindering our progress.
Risk Management
Risk is a close cousin to psychological safety. The fear of risk is a significant deterrent for women when vocalising their desires. The potential for adverse outcomes and concerns about how the requests might be perceived can lead women to avoid taking the leap and asking for what they want. This fear of stepping into the unknown can undermine confidence and leave us hesitant to assert our needs. As a result, opportunities may be missed, and aspirations may go unfulfilled due to the reluctance to face potential risks associated with advocacy.
Sponsorship
The scarcity of visible sponsorships in many private and public sector organisations creates a significant obstacle for women. Sponsorship involves influential figures advocating for career advancement and is pivotal in providing opportunities and boosting confidence. Women may feel unsupported and discouraged from seeking what they want without strong sponsors due to the perceived lack of backing (bringing us back to risk).
The absence of sponsors can reinforce self-doubt, making women more hesitant to ask for promotions, raises, or challenging assignments. Sometimes we need others to believe in us just as much as we believe in ourselves.
Final thoughts
I am confident there are other reasons that others have experienced or observed that impact women and women’s confidence to ask for what they want and need. I have experienced firsthand how aspects of our identity pose a notable hindrance for us when articulating our desires. Women with intersecting identities, such as race, ethnicity, socio-economic, or educational background, face compounded challenges that can affect our confidence in seeking what we want. Discrimination and biases related to multiple aspects of our identity can lead to heightened self-doubt and reluctance to assert ourselves.
To say to women, “If only you were more confident and just learned how to ask for what you wanted”, is to reduce women’s issues in society and the workplace to a training course one can attend at best and right back on our shoulders at worst. Yes, we have agency, and yes, we can learn skills and apply strategies. However, the most enduring change occurs when the very system is transformed, ensuring that the upcoming generation of women and girls don’t need to learn how to be confident; they can demonstrate that inherent confidence they possess from the start.
What would you add?
As always, if you invest in yourself, the rewards will be unfathomable.
Until next time.
Share this post