Boundaries: Why you might be getting it wrong

Everywhere I turn, the topic of boundaries is front and centre. I am feeling it myself this month. Whether it is setting boundaries at work, with family, or in other areas of life, boundaries are coming up for my clients, friends and myself in pretty much every conversation.

Why? Maybe it is the sheer exhaustion so many of us are feeling, the relentless juggling act of modern life, or the creeping burnout that makes people desperate for a solution. And for some, boundaries seem like the magic bullet—the thing that will finally give them control.

But here is the truth as I see it: boundaries are not about controlling others. Boundaries are about managing yourself. And if you are a leader, no matter the size of your team or span of your influence, you need to get clear on this fast.

The leadership trap: waiting for others to set your boundaries

I have partnered with and coached countless people who are running on empty, waiting for someone else to step in and set limits for them. And here is the hard reality: your company will take as much as you are willing to give – whether you are the CEO, the salesperson or the owner. The company will always ask for more. So, if you hope your organisation will define your boundaries for you, you will be waiting for avery long time. If ever.

Boundaries do not start with an external rule or a firm “no.” They start with you. They are not about resisting demands from others but about defining how you choose to engage with the world. And yet, many people misunderstand this completely.

The problem with weaponised boundaries

Somewhere along the way, boundaries became a shield, an excuse to disengage or push responsibility onto others. “That’s my boundary” has become a conversation-stopper rather than a meaningful dialogue. But boundaries are not about building walls; they are about creating clarity.

Used well, boundaries should help you show up better, not withdraw. You may have missed the point if your boundaries are making you more rigid, less available for the things that matter, or isolating you from growth and relationships.

A three-step process to set boundaries that work

If you are feeling stretched too thin or unsure where your limits should be, here is a process that has worked for me:

1. Know your values
   Your boundaries are only as strong as your values. If you are unclear on what truly matters to you, your boundaries will be shaky at best. What are your non-negotiables? What do you not want to compromise on? Get clear on these first.

2. Understand your energy
   Boundaries are not just about time, they are about energy. What drains you? What fuels you? Pay attention. Some things take more from you than they give. If you constantly feel depleted, it is a sign your boundaries need adjusting.

3. Be consistent
   Boundaries fail when they are inconsistent. If you set them once but keep shifting them, you teach people that they are negotiable. As a leader, your team will take cues from you. If you do not respect your own limits, neither will they.

Boundaries make you a better leader

The most effective leaders do not just set boundaries, they live them. They do not wait for permission to say no, they do not over-explain their limits, and they certainly do not use boundaries as a weapon. They set them with clarity, uphold them with consistency, and use them to create a leadership style that is both strong and sustainable.

So, if you have been struggling with boundaries, ask yourself: Are they helping you lead better, or are they just another form of avoidance? When used correctly, boundaries do not push people away, they create the space for you to lead at your best. And who doesn’t want that?

And as always, if you invest in yourself, the rewards will be unfathomable.

Until next time.