Have you ever been told you are too soft as a leader? That you focus too much on the people. Whatever that means. Perhaps you have been accused of wearing your heart on your sleeve. And if you are a male leader, maybe the feedback came in the form of “You are not tough enough on your team” or the ever-classic “Man up.”
This kind of feedback is not just outdated. It is unhelpful and, frankly, wrong.
For decades, leadership has been defined by a narrow set of traits: decisiveness, authority, and an ability to command. Being tough, emotionally detached, and results-driven was seen as the gold standard. Showing empathy? A liability. Prioritising people? A sign of weakness. But workplaces have evolved, and the best leaders today understand that emotional intelligence, adaptability, and human connection are not just nice-to-haves. They are essential to leading high-performing teams.
The outdated leadership myth
The assumption that “hard” leadership is better leadership is deeply ingrained. It stems from outdated corporate structures where control, fear, and hierarchy ruled the workplace. In those settings, leaders were expected to be distant authority figures rather than active participants in their teams’ success. A bit of a reflection of society at that time perhaps?
The problem with this thinking is that it does not reflect how people actually work. Research consistently shows that employees who feel valued, heard, and psychologically safe perform better. They are more engaged, more productive, and more likely to stay with an organisation long-term. Meanwhile, the old-school, command-and-control style of leadership? It breeds disengagement, high turnover, and, in many cases, a toxic work environment.
So why is this outdated myth still alive?
Because change is uncomfortable.
Organisations are still catching up to the reality that leadership is about influence, not intimidation (although that is hard to see when ineffective examples are highlighted in media regularly). Unfortunately, some people are still holding onto the belief that strength and empathy cannot coexist.
What effective leadership actually looks like
The best leaders today are not the ones who bark orders from a corner office (or across a Teams/Zoom call). They are the ones who listen, who inspire, who create environments where people want to do their best work. Here is what that looks like in practice:
- Emotional intelligence over emotional suppression: Great leaders understand their emotions and the emotions of those around them. They do not suppress or ignore them; they manage them effectively. And they teach others how to manage them.
- Collaboration over control: Despite what we are seeing in certain parts of the world, leadership in its true sense is not about having all the answers. It is about bringing people together to find the best solutions. When people fall on control, it tells me they have no ideas on how to collaborate and solve the situations. It is a lack of imagination.
- Trust over fear: Employees work better and smarter when they feel trusted and respected, not when they are micromanaged or threatened. Of course, when people are starting out or do not have the right experience, some teaching might be required. But if we are in micromanagement land, then I think it is the wrong hire. You want people to grow in their role, but if they are less than 50-60% aligned skill wise to the role, then there is an issue to resolve.
- Long-term impact vs short-term gains: A leader who invests in people sees returns that go far beyond immediate performance metrics. I think this one is hard as many organisations push their leaders for the short-term. The challenge is that as leaders, we have to do both. Your job is find the way to do that.
Being “people-focused” is not a weakness. Time and time again, we find that the leaders who understand this are the ones who build strong, high-performing teams that outplay and those led by fear and control. Fear gets you short term gains, but in the medium and long term? It comes back to bite.
So despite what you might be getting told, it is a strength that you have when you lead with care.
Three actions to take if you get this feedback
We all live in the real world and since we know the real world still has this mindset in certain places, what steps would you consider if you have been told you are too soft, too people-focused, or not “tough” enough.
Here is my advice:
1. Clarify what they mean
Not all feedback is created equal. When someone says you are too soft, ask for specifics. What is the evidence is the first thing that needs to come to your mind. Not emotions. Not a reaction. What makes them say that? Find out if they are concerned about a lack of accountability? Do they feel decisions are being delayed? Or are they simply uncomfortable with a leadership style that does not rely on force? Or that is different than their own?
By asking questions, you can uncover whether the feedback is valid or if it is just someone clinging to outdated norms. If the concern is about accountability, for example, you can reinforce that you set clear expectations and hold people to them while still being empathetic. Set a time frame that you can both measure and come back to it once the results are in.
Do not accept the feedback without interrogating it.
2. Redefine strength on your terms
Strength in leadership is not about being cold or detached. It is about resilience, adaptability, and the ability to bring out the best in others. The next time someone implies that you are not tough enough, remind yourself that true leadership is about influence, not force. You can set high standards, hold people accountable, and be compassionate at the same time.
It is also worth sharing examples of successful leaders who embody this balance. Jacinda Ardern, for instance, led with both strength and empathy, demonstrating that kindness and decisiveness are not mutually exclusive. Who does that well in your organisation and can you refer to them as exemplary leaders who seem to be doing quite ok with that style.
3. Demonstrate results
At the end of the day, results speak louder than outdated perceptions. If your leadership style leads to high engagement, strong performance, and a healthy team culture, make sure those outcomes are visible. Showcase how a people-first approach is driving business success. Use data, testimonials, and performance metrics to make your case.
Leadership is evolving, but change takes time. By staying true to an effective, modern leadership style and demonstrating its impact, you help shift the narrative for everyone who comes after you.
The future of leadership: less toughness, more effectiveness
Despite what we might be seeing in some organisations and countries, it is up to us, the new type of leaders, to retire the outdated notion that being a strong leader means being emotionally detached, crude, rude or bombastic. Toughness for the sake of toughness does not make a leader effective. It makes them disconnected. Real leadership is about bringing people together, fostering trust, and driving results through collaboration and accountability.
So, the next time someone tells you you are too soft, remind them you are not leading the old way. You are leading the right way for your team today.
And as always, if you invest in yourself, the rewards will be unfathomable.
Until next time.
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