When was the last time you were taken by surprise by a simple yet profound realisation about the people around you—a genuine understanding that each person you encounter carries a life as complex and vivid as your own? Their experiences, struggles, and joys create a tapestry as intricate as yours, woven with challenges and triumphs that often remain unseen.
I have felt this awareness deeply throughout my life, but only recently discovered there is a word for it: sonder. Coined by John Koenig in The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, sonder gives a name to that often-unspoken recognition of others’ inner worlds. Over the past year, I have thought about this word often, applying it to leadership, relationships, and connections, and I have come to believe that for leaders who seek to elevate their impact, sonder offers a powerful perspective shift. Sonder is not just a label; it gives us perspective. And as leaders, perspective is essential.
Sonder shifts how we see our teams and, by extension, how we understand our roles in guiding, inspiring, and creating spaces where people feel valued and understood. Leaders who embrace sonder have a unique advantage: they are equipped with an empathy “radar” that is not just nice to have—but is necessary for modern, effective leadership.
The leader’s role in understanding complexity
A leader who practices sonder is someone who looks beyond job titles, to-do lists, and targets. They understand that every team member, from the intern to the executive, carries a story that shapes how they show up. This realisation fosters patience, understanding, and a genuine desire to support people’s journeys, not just their job descriptions.
Leaders who recognise the complexity of each person’s life naturally take on a human-centred approach. This means prioritising empathy and creating an environment where people feel seen, respected, and understood. Imagine a team member who’s typically high-performing but suddenly struggles with meeting deadlines. Instead of assuming disengagement, a leader who practices sonder might take a different approach. By showing curiosity and empathy, they could discover that the team member is managing personal challenges—maybe a family issue or health concern—that impact their focus at work. Rather than simply pushing for performance to show they are a “manager”, this leader could offer support, adjust expectations temporarily, and, in doing so, foster a greater sense of loyalty and trust.
And yes, if performance is the issue, then the leader can act accordingly, but only after qualifying. As someone once said, “I know what I am seeing, but I don’t know WHY I am seeing it”. Sonder gives you the pause to find out why something is happening.
When leaders approach challenges through a lens of sonder, they transform their role from simply managing tasks to genuinely engaging with the whole person. This is not just about being “nice”—it is about cultivating a team environment where people feel safe to bring their whole selves to work. Team members who feel understood this way are often more motivated to take ownership of their roles, contribute creatively, and go the extra mile, knowing they are valued as individuals, not just workers.
Personal accountability through a broader lens
Embracing sonder as a leader also transforms how we think about accountability. Accountability often brings to mind concepts like meeting deadlines, fulfilling obligations, or taking responsibility for outcomes. But sonder asks us to go deeper. It suggests that accountability is more than achieving goals—it is about owning the impact we have on others’ lives and experiences. Early career managers (and I was one myself) tend to underestimate this. Big mistake.
When leaders are mindful of sonder, they understand that their decisions ripple out, affecting people in ways that are not always visible. This broader view of accountability means asking, “How will this choice affect the lives of those around me?” It is recognising that every interaction, big or small, is part of someone else’s life story. Leaders who carry this awareness tend to approach their roles with a sense of purpose and caution, knowing that their actions shape the environment where people spend a large part of their day. As I have said before, leadership is a responsibility, not a role. Sonder reminds us of this.
Redefining responsibility as a leader
If sonder shapes how we understand accountability, it equally redefines responsibility. Leaders often carry the responsibility of setting a vision, guiding teams, and driving results. But sonder brings a deeper layer to this, reminding leaders that their role is to serve, not simply to command. When we see those around us as individuals with complex lives, we recognise that part of leadership is to provide spaces where those complexities are respected, not flattened.
For example, consider how sonder could reshape a feedback session (a pet peeve of mine). Instead of focusing solely on areas of improvement, leaders who embrace sonder are more likely to consider the nuances of how someone learns, their challenges, and their unique strengths. This approach does not mean skirting around tough conversations—it means having them with a respect that acknowledges the entire person sitting across the table.
Encouraging new thinking for leaders
Here’s a challenge for leaders: What if, instead of focusing solely on productivity and performance, we spent more time nurturing the human beings behind the roles? Imagine the effect on morale, loyalty, and even performance if leaders genuinely appreciated the whole person, recognising each one as someone with a rich and intricate life.
The concept of sonder is not just a poetic idea; it is a call for leaders to rethink the way they interact with their teams. It is about moving from managing people to connecting with them, creating a culture where empathy is as much a leadership skill as decision-making. So, the next time you lead a meeting or plan a project, consider the lives interwoven with your work. Approach each person with the humility and curiosity sonder invites and watch as it reshapes not only your team’s environment but your own understanding of leadership itself.
Ultimately, sonder reminds us that every interaction holds the potential to create a meaningful impact. By embracing this perspective, leaders can transform spaces where people feel valued and understood. In a world that often prioritises productivity, sonder invites us to lead with empathy, respect, and a genuine connection. Because when leaders see the whole person, they don’t just inspire better work—they also inspire a better workplace. And who wouldn’t want that?
What’s one way you could bring sonder into your leadership this coming week?
And as always, if you invest in yourself, and the people around you, the rewards will be unfathomable.
Until next time.
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